First Doctor's Appt. 12/15/11

I had called my doctor on Monday, December 5, as soon as they opened. When they scheduled my appointment, I went ahead and asked them if an ultrasound or anything exciting would be done since I wanted Barrett to come with me for the “big stuff”. The lady told me that nothing like that would be done at this first appointment and all they would be doing was “confirming the pregnancy”.

The doctor’s appointment went pretty normal…at first. They went ahead and took a urine sample and then I waited to see the doctor. While the doctor and I were talking, I mentioned that I had been having some cramping and really bloated feelings. I only mentioned it, because I was under the impression that was normal. She immediately decided that they would go ahead and do an ultrasound just to make sure that I wasn’t experiencing a tubal pregnancy. The doctor went ahead and warned me that it might still be too early in my pregnancy for them to be able to detect a heartbeat, but they just wanted to make sure the baby was set up where he/she was suppose to be! I was immediately excited and disappointed. I was excited that I would get to see if there really was a baby in there, but I was disappointed that Barrett wasn’t with me to see it!

After another wait in the waiting area for the ultrasound tech, I was positioned looking at a screen waiting to see what was growing inside me! She immediately found the embryo and told me she thought I might be measuring a few days further along than I thought. I was able to see a very tiny flashing on the screen and she told me that was the heartbeat. She wasn’t able to measure the heart rate, but it was beating! Immediately the tech moved the view to another similar looking “sack” on the opposite side of the screen. I really wasn’t sure what it was, but I went ahead and asked her, “Is that another view of the embryo?” I don’t think anything could have prepared me for her answer. She then told me that, “No, it isn’t another view. This little embryo didn’t make it. You had been pregnant with twins.” There are really no words I can write to describe my rush of emotions. #1 – I was shocked that I HAD been pregnant with twins! There had been two little babes growing inside me! #2 – I was so saddened it brought me to tears thinking of one of the little one not making it.

After the ultrasound it was time to head back to the waiting room and wait to see the doctor. I was so numb and really didn’t know how to feel. I was really holding it together. I couldn’t really talk to Barrett or my parents, but I sent them a text about what was going on. I still really didn’t believe it. I guess the reality in a way was setting in that I was having a baby – I had seen the little “bean” on the screen. Then, I was hit with this unexpected news that another one hadn’t made it.

After a few minutes the doctor spoke with me about what the ultrasound had revealed. She stated that I had experienced “failed twin or a vanishing twin”. However, she said the other embryo looked great. She mentioned me having a little bit of a bleed and that I needed to take it easy for a couple weeks and come back to make sure everything was still going ok. She told me not to worry that a lot of times when this type of thing happens a woman’s body would take care of the other embryo, and I should have a normal pregnancy. And that was it...

I really did a great job holding it together…until I called my mom. I guess the emotions of staying strong in a doctor’s office finally had caught up with me. My mom was upset too I think we were all shocked by the news. I was finally able to talk with Barrett on the phone (he was in class during the whole ordeal and could only communicate through text). I think it shook us both up pretty good, but we know all things work together for good and this was all God’s plan.

I have to admit, it is a weird grieving process for something like this. You are sad about the one that didn’t make it, but you don’t want to dwell on sadness for the one that is healthy and doing good. Since my doctor’s appointment I have done a lot of reading about Vanishing Twin Syndrome. Everything I read discusses how it is a common occurrence but most women do not know it happens, because they do not have an ultrasound that early in their pregnancy. I guess I took that the wrong way because I felt by saying it was a common occurrence it was belittling to the fact that this other baby didn’t make it. Though this may be a “common occurrence”, it was still a baby (our baby) and God wanted me to know about him/her. What a wonderful blessing to know that we had been blessed with not one but two!

I don’t think a day has gone by since that appointment that I haven’t thought about the one we lost. I still have feelings of disbelief that I am even pregnant, much less that we could have had two. I am so thankful for our faith in the Lord and in knowing that He has everything in His hands. This whole process has been the Lord’s timing and I am so excited to see what God has planned for this little one growing inside me. Thank you Jesus for these blessings and Your faithfulness!